Thanks to the wonderful BBC series Planet Earth, I got a serious dose of learnin’ stuff about nature. Here’s a bit I learned about the smooth-coated otter, usually found around India and Southeast Asia.
These lads swim around Indian rivers, doing their thing, with… get this, their entire fucking families in tow. And their families can grow as big as 17, David Attenborough tells us.
Does that mean that a family of 18 smooth-coated otters would just be a farcical concept, David?
David did not care to reply.
Imagine swimming through a manky river with 16 of your relatives, there at all times, shrieking their manic sounds and preening their smooth coats in front of you? Sounds like hell, if you ask me.
And as if that isn’t bad enough, there’s crocodiles fuckin’ EVERYWHERE!
When David’s lovely British voice calmly introduces us to the threat of the crocodile (from his safe haven of some voice-over booth a thousand, million miles away) it’s then that the lovely madcap orchestral music that had been accompanying the otters’ quirky shenanigans shifts into the eery violins of impending danger. Now you know things aren’t going to go down well for Mr. smooth coat. Listen to the music Marge, he’s evil!
But this is when the most amazing thing happens. Just when you think lunch is served for Doc Croc, the otters decide to fight back!
So this 17-strong family of cute little water-dudes just completely get all up in the croc’s face and they’re all like:
“What you gonn’ do ’bout it croccy?”
And he’s all like….
“Aaaaaawwww…. hell no!”
And then they say:
“Make your move, punk…”
And so this beautiful, natural standoff continues until….
Croc backs off.
Here’s the video for any who doubt.
So what did I learn today? Never mess with an otter with a smooth-looking coat.